2002.12.28
2002.12.30
2003.01.05
2003.01.13
2003.01.14
2003.01.22
2003.02.04
2003.02.17
2003.02.25
2003.03.03
2003.03.10
Mursshud,
Hello...Well, I've been waiting to get your address at Liberty Advance from
someone, to write to you. Then it occurred to me that I could send the letter
to Unit, and Rudi or Miles would get it to you.
I'd like to call as well, though I wantedh to get permission from you first. I have to submit the phone #s, which they check and all the calls are recorded and monitored. So, if you don't mind all that red tape, I'd love to say hello.
Zia has the paperwork you'd have to fill out if you wanted to visit. They require a Driver's License and a Social Security card, they do a background check and all that, too. So, more red tape...Let me know (or Zia) and I'll see to it you get the paperwork, one way or another.
Now that that has been said...
Honestly, this place is depressing. Though, I've still been able to maintain my state, for the most part. My practice has actually deepened as well, there is a certain feeling I get when I close my eyes. It's hard to describe, it feels like a kind of sanctuary.There is a subtle knowing that this place is untouched in myself. Daily meditations, especially Rudra, allow me to stay ahead of any depression.
The majority of my feelings come from the fact that my freedom is restricted. That I have to do something I don't want to do.
There are moments when everything is clear, I see the purpose in my being here.
I understand the benefit of it all. I'm just going to continue working with
it all.
Zia sent me pictures of you and Sheikh Hassan. During any type of meditation
I make it a point to feel you and circulate with you.
It is a real blessing to have the support of you and the community, originally I planned on just going to sleep if I had to go to prison. Some part of me felt it would probably be less painful if I went through the experience unconsciously. Who knows maybe it would. Although, now that I'm here I can't feel it's a possibility to try and sleep. I'm sure that's a result of the work we've done in the few months since I moved to San Diego. I'm grateful for that, Thank You.
When I got here I was doing my normal Chi Gung and then would feel the essence of Mu Shu. I get it, I really understand it, though the concept behind it is so simple. The essence of it really seems to align with NIA.
I have also met someone who knows Ba Gua. He's been doing it for like 10 years. So, I've been working with him a little bit as well. It helps a lot, Ba Gua really gets my energy moving and grounded. I end up doing so much Rudra and processing that it really helps keep me balanced and grounded.
So, that's my state and how I'm maintaining it. I feel good about it, I don't expect to be joyous about my situation. I am just trying to maintain myself, process my environment and take the lessons I came here for. I feel I am able to do that, I don't feel like I am drowning.
So, this environment...Oh, LAWD! ! It is so UN-Foundation, it is almost alien.
3 square meals a day, sleep at regular times. It's been difficult adjusting.
I almost feel like I'm in a difficult dimension, it was really a distinct feeling
for the first couple of weeks. Now, I've been able to adapt to it. It feels
like I can leave a certain amount of energy in my body in order to maintain
some sort of presence, and the rest I just circulate with. I barely feel like
I'm in this dimension, it's like only my feet are in it. It's a strange feeling,
I don't have the words for it. And it's even harder to write it out. The point
is I don't feel trapped or "attacked" by this reality, or the energy
in it. I barely feel affected by it. Maybe it's the whole 'in the world but
not of it' saying.
That's how it feels anyway.
The people are nice enough, nobody wants to do anything -- if you do you go to the Hole. Which is County Jail and then off to a higher-security facility. There are not even any fences around this place.
Everyone is just concerned with doing their time here. For the most part, people are unconscious or just plain dumb -- though I don't seem to attract them. I've met a lot of really good people here, I guess justice really is blind. Everyone at this facility is either a white-collar criminal or in here for drugs.
I'll tell ya, after hearing some of these stories I'm definitely doing my taxes
after this...
How are things at Liberty? The Sufi Retreat was last weekend, I was hoping to
make that one. Next year I should be able to make it.
I'd love to hear all about everything that is going on. You could type it out and print it, or maybe dictate it to Sayler. I understand if you don't have time to write much.
You can send me books (paperback only), and letters. That's really about it.
If you send a book, send it separately from any letters and write: B. O. P.
approved on the outside of the package. Letters are always fine, though all
mail is opened before I get it. Just don't use padded envelopes for anything,
and pictures are fine too -- just not polaroids.
Well, I look forward to hearing from you. Beginning a new type of circulation
under these circumstances.
Thank you, for what you've done and the energy you've put into our relationship. I really do appreciate it.
In love,
Daniel
Mursshud,
I don't know why I didn't think of this earlier. I've been wanting to start
circulating with you more, it was a little frustrating because I felt it would
be appropriate to ask before I called you and I was waiting for an address to
be able to write. Then I realized I could write you at UniT, so I did...For
like 2 days I was waiting until I got your address (a reply) to write you again.
Then while I was doing Rudra today I realized that it doesn't matter if you
actually read these letters or not. It's more important that I'm focusing on
you for this period as well as the circulation.
-- Sounds like a great idea, huh...
I dropped that whole depression thing. It really felt valid for a while there,
I still get certain tinges of it. Something just snapped while practicing and
I realized it was dumb. So, I stopped...
I realized tonight that one of the "tools" that the Prison system uses is time. By giving people too much time, they hope to make people bored. Like you were saying before I left about making people wait...Well (yes I need a drink); I really realized that tonight and also realized that's what I need more than anything. Having too much time is definitely not a bad thing for me. I end up practicing around 3 or 4 hours a day. Even just sitting and praying (dhikr) in between Rudra breaths.
So, I have surrendered to my situation here, and embraced it in fact. I just wish I had some Tesla water......
Zia has been doing a wonderful job of loving me. She has sent me pictures and articles from your website, the Foundation sheet. I feel sure she is handling the situation very well, making the best of it and finding creating ways to circulate.
I wanted to tell you that I appreciate all the little ways you have gone out of your way to help me. It's interesting that I didn't trust you at first, though it wasn't really about you -- I just didn't trust. Maybe it was more about my father.
Which reminds me...I tried calling my mother while I was in here, and she wouldn't accept my call. I was laughing, I haven't tried again. I called my father as well, I have to talk to him to some extent because of the car. When I called my father, my Gramma answered. When you get a call from here you have to press '5' to accept, hang up to decline or press 77 to block all future calls. So Gramma pressed 77...She didn't do it on purpose, an 85-year-old Italian woman who doesn't speak English -- I guess I should have expected it. I just think all of this is hysterical, the Karmic relationships that put me in here don't want to have anything to do with me now -- Thank God!!
Well (more water) I will write more later. I've almost been keeping a journal with the letters I've been sending...
2002.12.31
I had a really good practice today, this morning. It went really deep, I missed
breakfast because I didn't want to stop. There are times when I can just be
open and circulate, like now.
The most interesting part about this experience is that I don't feel affected by my environment. In the past, when I had reached a clear open space and then gone somesomeplace that is really dense -- the environment really affects my state. Although, in this place I am able to maintain my state and the only thing that affects my circulation is myself. Though I have enough to chew on that's for sure, I just keep practicing and staying ahead of my process.
Certain issues come up almost daily. When I was first here it was a depression,
now it's turning into a frustration. Just a feeling of frustration because I'm
"locked up" and
my freedom is taken. There is this part of me that resists all this, and is
stubbornly saying, "I don't want to do this."
I've processed the whole freedom thing already, my heart knows about freedom and locking me up in a physical cage does not affect that. When I practice (as I said in another letter) I can feel my heart and my space and there is a subtle knowing that it can never be taken away or touched by the eternal form.
There just seems to be some part of myself I am still surrendering, that causes all this stuff.
An inspiration that came to me while I've been here has been to start a business
at some point when are I get out. I have had a few ideas blossom around this
and I am really just trying to contain the energy of it until it grows into
something substantial.
It seems, to me, almost like a prerequisite that this physical/material/societal
plane is mastered. By mastered I mean, I feel it's important that the ground
be covered. That all worldly concerns, survival concerns be taken care of, as
well as having enough energy and resources to be able to embrace experiments
and other experiences as needed. So, I guess that goes beyond survival into
abundance.
My vision with this business is to be able to create a self-sufficient form of revenue that, eventually, would not require my presence to operate. Only minimal contact in order to make whatever decisions may come up.
So, that is my vision. I would love to hear any suggestions around this, any
inspiration, any anything.
I'm going to do Ba Gua for a while, I love you Mursshud...I hope to hear from
you soon.
Give Rudi and Miles kisses for me, and maybe even a little pat on the butt for
Miles.
....
Hi again, this is how I've been writing lately, just in spurts. I feel some
inspiration and I write. It helps a lot to process and organize my feelings.
I had forgotten how useful writing is. In high school it was one of the main
ways I processed myself. I think I still have all my old journals, maybe I should
burn them...
I was about to start reading the book I am currently on. I have one of your
pictures as my bookmark, so I look at you every time I go to read. I think I've
read about 5 or 6 books in the 3 weeks I've been here. This time when I looked
at your picture, it said, "Write to Me"........................So
I am...................
I don't have anything in particular so I guess I am just saying hello! Normally, if I was on the streets, I would call you and I would most certainly end up on a mission of some sort -- that would probably drive me to the edge of sanity.
I just finished practicing again, in about half an hour I will meet my friend who will teach me the 4th Palm Change in Ba Gua. It has helped me immensely to have something physical like that. Even if I was able to do Nia every day, I would still enjoy doing Ba Gua every now and then. It really opens my body up and gets the energy flowing. I'll starting dripping sweat after only 15-20 minutes of walking.
I did really enjoy learning and doing Nia. I am glad you pushed me to take the class, even though I am still indebted to Melanie. I'll take care of it eventually. I still plan on doing it, and teaching, once I get out.
Well, I have run out of words for now, I'll be back again...
2003.01.01
Happy New Year, --the only good part I've noticed is my release date is in
this year!
Even though it's at almost the end of it, it's still this year. I'm getting
ready to mail this out in a little bit. Hopefully, you've gotten my other letter
by now.
When (or if) you write me back, please drop the Liberty Advance address in the letter. And if you don't mind a phone call, Mo & Po's # and your 812 #, I have the 702 # and the paperwork for it is going through. Though I would prefer permission to call you on it, considering the circumstances and all.
I'm getting sleepy, so I'm going to read until I pass out. I'm sure I'll start a new letter tomorrow....
In love,
Daniel
Hi Mursshud...How is life in your dimension? Life over here is just another
shade of gray. Though I'm fast at work learning the red-tape trail to get my
paperwork done. I have to apply for that Drug Rehab program, which I already
did. I can tell just from the interview that Rehab is going to be a serious
test in patience. I guess that's expected though, after all I am a felony drug
addict. Now, there's a category of society you can't claim every day!
By the time you get this letter I'll know the original 8 Palms of Ba Gua. Every
day I enjoy it more. I found the story of Dong Hoi Chan who started Ba Gua.
Apparently he had studied a lot of Shaolin and was injured badly in the mountains.
A bunch of Daoists found him and brought him back to their temple. Once nursed
back to health they gave him a Daoist walking meditation, which consisted of
walking around a tree. After a few years of that, they taught him to walk around
2 trees. (in a figure 8)
They said after a while it looked like the trees were leaning in towards him and finally like the trees were chasing him. He spent the next few years developing the original 8 Palms. Then there are a bunch of stories about him later on as the Emperor's Guard and so on...
I asked Zia to send you an email today, this whole letter writing thing is very slow. How I miss emails and Tesla water. She mailed me your address and phone numbers as well. So, I'll mail this to Liberty and when I hear from you I will put in the paperwork to add your phone number.
I've been practicing most of the time, mostly dhikr and Rudra. Zia said she
sent Spiritual Cannibalism in the last packace, I'm looking forward to that.
I'm adapting to my environment and finding my groove, as I said before I haven't
found the experience overwhelming. I find myself getting back to a place
where I don't have to go through the process. I was experiencing a distinct
process when I first arrived, mostly because for a while the experience almost
seemed overwhelming. I had to really work to keep up with it and maintain myself.
Now, I feel like I can just flip the switch and maintain myself.
Between meditating and the Ba Gua I stay pretty well balanced. Sometimes I think
about the time factor and it seems like I am so long away. That's just the little
mind, looking at the past or future, so I focus on the moment.
I'm going to prepare for bed, I hope I get some mail from you, I am running
out of things to write about. I don't find too many interesting things in this
place, it is always another shade of gray here. It's all about robotic routine,
and setting a schedule and then falling asleep. That's how most of these people
heal with it, ignorance is bliss.
Every time I have a free moment or find myself with nothing to do, I practice.
Soon, I'll start running and lifting weights as well. Lose a little weight and
strengthen the body, I'll be a proper Nia instructor after all this.
Good night Mursshud!
2003.01.06
Hello again, I found some inspiration to write about. Zia sent me some books, so I am done reading Sci-Fi for a while. (Though I managed to read Stranger in a Strange Land again -- rather appropriate for my situation.) She sent me 2 Ibn Al Arabi books, one of his poetry and Journey to the Lord of Power (I already read this book but I love it)and Rudi--Spiritual Cannibalism. As well as the Hazrat books your website. I started wuth Rudi; I've been waiting for that one.
Here's a poem from Ibn Al Arabi:
When we came together to bid each other adieu
You would have thought that we were
Like a double letter
At the moment of Union and Embrace
Even if we are made up
Of a double nature,
Our glances see only
One Unified Being.
I like that one. Spiritual Cannibalism, is a book I was really looking forward to. I can really feel Rudi in it, and you through it. I just circulate as I read. The first chapter, "Teachers," I could really feel how Rudi surrendered to his teachers. The feeling of how he regarded the teachers really came through.
Which, as it felt, was very similar to what you have communicated about the
spiritual desire you felt around your teachers. It really came through, there
was just an understanding in my heart around how to merge with the teacher.
The purpose of which, is as he describes:
"They (Rudi's past teachers) were helping me to reach for a dimension beyond my own understanding, whereby they would be freed and I would be fulfilled."
And!!
"I felt that, having taken from someone on a higher spiritual level, it was my responsibility to carry the spiritual gift to a still higher level. To take soul force from a man requires enormous conscious effort; one fulfills the psychic quantity and then raises it to a higher level, thereby freeing himself from any debt."
The unspoken "debt" of the student and "obligation" of the teacher. I feel there is so much more to understand in this, it feels like the foundation of that relationship. Is what I don't understand is that this is not something I would have understood unless I read Rudi. I mean, Miles and Rudi, seem to exemplify this though others in the community do not seem to hold their relationship with you as they do. I don't understand it. Anyway, I'm going back to reading...
2003.01.08
Good evening!
I've chewed through half of Spiritual Cannibalism already. I'm just absorbing it, like a sponge, my heart just feels ready for it.
I feel I have a good understanding of it. Though I don't completely understand what he means by separate the spiritual and physical selves. I'm just not clear if -- he means the actual physical body or the physical world and its various attachments. I'm leaning towards the latter, I can't imagine that I need to forget or detach from the physical body in order to do spiritual work. After all it's the body which allows me the opportunity to do any of this spiritual work.
I'm eating a tamale right now. I live in the part of the camp they refer to as the "Barrio," which is the Mexican Ghetto.
There's like 10 or 12 Mexican guys all living in this one area. There's only me and a Filipino guy there. They are excellent cooks and and I know enough Spanish to get along with all of them. I've been learning Spanish daily, inadvertently. I could cuss out Border Patrol like a true Mexican now. In other words, I know all the "bad" words.
I'm still processing my situation to a greater or lesser degree. I can maintain
myself and my energy, though every now and then when I wake in the morning I
feel very heavy. There is all this sadness and almost a depression beginning.
It barely matters though, I go and do Rudra until I feel clear. I can get clear
and then it'll come up again. There seems to be this part of myself that feels
victimized. I just continue surrendering it all.
As I've been reading Rudi, I am able to feel moments where I can feel how this
experience is a creative gift designed to take us deeper. Though it is an unnatural
situation, in the sense that the whole environment is completely out of tune
with any kind of natural rhythm.
As time passes and whatever process is going on deepens I've been understanding more. I still don't see the bigger picture of how this experience will benefit my overall life -- though I trust that will be revealed eventually.
I'm going to read a bit more and then sleep. If you haven't gotten any other
letters from me, then you (and Rudi) have mail from me at UniT. I have your
phone numbers and I'd love to talk to you. I need to add the phone # s to my
list and I wanted to make sure that I had your permission before I do. I was
going to add Mo & Po, the 812 and the 702 #s. And if you still want to visit,
let me know and I'll send the paperwork to you.
Goodnight and I hope to hear from you soon!
Daniel
Mursshud
Hello Again. I felt I needed to write. I was going to wait until I had heard from you before I did, then today I had a realization….
I have to be honest, I was processing myself around the fact that you have been slow to contact me. From my point of view, there are ways to get my address since it is public record (BOP.Org for instance) and all the letters that I've sent to Unit. So, whether these feelings are justified is not my concern, I am focused upon my reactions to them. I have to admit I have really been working to process myself. A lot has came up and I have also noticed a lot of suppressed or latent feelings that I have had. Though I'll get to those in a second.
The realization I have had around all this, is in connection to Allah. I noticed that all these feelings were coming up because I was feeling alone and somewhat abandoned. Before I got here all my karmic relations( mom, dad, & holly) fell apart which is good. Then I get in here and lose contact with you. I was circulating with Zia for a few weeks, and at this point we have decided also to not circulate for awhile. I have written all the people that responded to my initial e-mail and no one has replied. So, my reaction to all this was to feel very alone and abandoned, all my connections to people seem to have dissolved. The only connections I could have are with people in here and my heart knows better than that.
So this apparent situation has really triggered a lot of feelings. A lot of emotions continued coming up, and finally when I thought I was going to snap. I realized the Truth…
First I surrendered, and when I did all the energy and intensity that went
into those relationships focused one the only relationship I had left. Allah.
I went really deep with that connection and I realized the key to this whole
situation. It is all about my surrender to spirit, not everything spirit gives
is easy to take. My issue has been that my heart only wants the sweetness of
Spirit. It has been picking and choosing what to surrender to. ( And,
this is exactly what you tried to tell me my last night at the Land) Part of
my understanding here is that everything from spirit is sweet, even these situations.
I wish there was more to say about this, I wish I could communicate the feeling
in my heart that culminated in this realization. All I can express is that I
am free. My freedom stems from my life being based in spirit, and the surrender
into that understanding. It doesn't matter what comes my way, or what "happens"
to me it is all from spirit, and my only response can be "Give me what
I want!" That is, and has been, my prayer. Period…
I have found my alignment with Allah, my connection. When I am living in that
alignment all these issues make sense. It's just that simple, stay aligned.
I know when I'm not being aligned.
Now, when these issues come up I find myself retreating to Allah. I can be
in my alignment and look at my feelings and issues without being consumed in
them.
For instance looking at the feelings I have had come up in our relationship.
First of all I questioned our friendship and then that descended into wandering
if I was welcome with the community anymore. This snowballed into a bunch of
other "crap" that doesn't deserve anymore energy.
Being, in my alignment with Allah it became obvious that these fears of being abandoned. I was worried I didn't have a "home" with the community. I realized that it doesn't matter, I don't feel that is the situation, though if it was… it wouldn't matter. My heart feels content with what I have and where I am, and I know that whatever comes is my next step.
My feeling, in the truth, is that you know all this, and either consciously or unconsciously, you were assisting my process. My heart trusts your attunement to the vibration of truth, and I know you follow the voice. I feel our circulation is clear and more relaxed. My heart trusts it more, and the only real change that has occurred was really being able to See and Feel it from the One Reality.
I'm feeling out where I got lost before. I feel like when I came to the community I had a certain understanding, and as we circulated more it began to change. Maybe it was my resistance to the change that caused my un-clarity. I felt like I was getting lost in your energy, that I couldn't see things anymore. This is difficult to explain, since its still not clear.
Anyways, I feel I accomplished the mission I intended in this letter.
I also wanted to ask a favor. After all this had occurred I really felt in my heart to mail a letter to my lawyer. I feel he has the key to working with May Grad (the DA, prosecutor). She is the one who can get my sentence induced. My letter asked (and tried to inspire) him to find a way of getting my sentence reduced, back to the original agreement I had made with them a couple of years ago. The original agreement was 6 months prison, halfway house and the remainder on house arrest. Though, originally I was supposed to do 6 months at a Boot Camp, which is a shock training program. Due to a policy change we settled on this sentence. So, my letter just asked him to get my sentence back to our original plead. For them to honor their end of the agreement.
The favor I am asking for you is for your help and support on focusing on this. Ny heart tells me this is possible, and in a deep way I feel complete. So, I am exploring any possibilities. Thank you for any help….
In Love,
Daniel
Mursshud & Rudi
Hello… It felt very good to talk with you (Rudi) today, to connect with the community even for a moment. I look forward to returning soon.
I hope that when you get this letter, you have received the few others I sent before. Then again it doesn't completely matter, as I said before - it's more important that I focus on you for this time. Although, it's always nice to receive letters. Especially books, I'll read anything at this point. I read Spiritual Cannibalism and was totally blown away by it. It was like a transmission, I barely read more like absorbed.
I haven't heard from my lawyer yet, and I'm still focusing on it. I really feel he has the key to inspiring and moving the Prosecutor (Mary Grad) to reduce my sentence. I basically asked them to maintain their agreement, which originally was only for 6months of actual prison time. Anyways, I am definitely focused on him and the situation feels open. Though, I've surrendered everything and I'm just being open to what the universe wants to bring. This whole situation has deepened my connection with Allah and inspired my next step in life.
Which brings me to my next subject, inspiration. I have seen my next step after all this. I saw the entire vision first, and I am seeing the subsequent steps leading to that vision. It has to do with a business plan, although the actual business would act as a "the Big Door". That's where the layers begin, the essence of the business and the implementation of it lead to the Esoteric Doors. I see the business as the manifestation of a final implementation of a way of life. It all goes hand in hand.
My career or job has always been something I have to do, it's never been out of love that I've worked. All my business ideas reflected this, I always worked for money - not worked for love. I never saw how to implement my gifts that I have to share into a career. This vision does exactly that.
It allows me to share my perspective of life and a Way of living into a business, and use that business as a means of communicating those messages. The business itself will draw people, and if the messages touch people they will have the option of being able to go deeper otherwise there is still a business to work with.
I will be able to communicate this more fully when I have the entire process mapped out. Though it helps to communicate this all in bits. I'll write a little more later.
__________________________________________________________
(same letter, another day) 2003.01.25
K, it's later… I got a new pen too, I enjoy proper writing utensils. That's one thing Jim and I definitely have in common….
I noticed after I got off the phone with you(Rudi) a few days ago, how much better I felt. I noticed that I wasn't inspired to practice or meditate as much as I was before we spoke. When I sat with this and really looked at it deeply. I realized that it has to do with suffering. Whenever I have been in a moment of suffering in my life, I deepen my connection with God. Which I guess is normal and somewhat expected.
I continued processing this motivation and looking deeper. I realized that
there is a certain subtle discomfort which propels spiritual growth. In comfort
we find static and stagnation. Its that constant discomfort of the realization
of the separation from the Beloved that creates the motivation of movement towards
Union. I realized that I needed to find that and become painfully aware of it.
The only other reminder is for life to remove all forms of comfort from me so
that there is nothing left except Refuge.
All my meditations have been focused on cultivating that need, desire and pain.
It's interesting because I've always looked at "spiritual progress"
as a cure for the pain of life. Here I am, pursuing the opposite.
2003.01.26
Super Bowl Sunday today, doesn't interest me in the slightest bit. I met with my friend Jason, he's the one who has been tutoring me in business. Every time the vision has become clearer, I can see an entire training regimen coming out of this. I will definitely require your help in all this, I cant wait until I can share this Vision with you or rather I should say, I am really excited to share this Vision. The waiting part I can do….That's all for now I'll be back…
2003.01.31
I've read a couple of books around business now, the one that hit me the most was more directed at our perceptions of money. I totally recommend it for everyone in the Money Pot. It's called "Rich Dad, Poor Dad" - Robert Kiyogowski.
It's this guys story of growing up with a well educated yet "poor" father and his best friend's entrepreneurial "rich" father. Each of them taught him their views on money and how to "make a living". It was very illuminating, it completely rearranges how you deal with the whole mindset of bills, money and creating opportunities.
For instance… A pet peeve of mine has been how you sometimes put a lot of financial pressure on people, and then tell them to search their lives and find the money. This used to totally get to me, I understand that you apply this pressure to create a motivation that will result in finding the opportunity we need, It always motivated me, sometimes inspired me ( and definitely irritated me), the obstacle I kept hitting was using that energy as inspiration or motivating. There was just something I was missing that made it really difficult for me to see any opportunities that I could use.
The author even talks about this exact process, he call it "Pay yourself first". Meaning that as your assets generate income, you reinvest that income back into assets before paying bills. If you change the priority then you lose energy instead of perpetuating the cycle of abundance. The author describes it as paying yourself first, Though it's the same concept. Yes, creditors may get pissed and scream for money.
The author says to use that pressure to motivate you in finding more opportunities.
Which in my eyes, is exactly the message you seem to be trying to convey to
people.
Well, I got the message and a lot of others too… I've been able to bridge
a gap in my being between the material and spiritual worlds. I can focus on
the material world for short periods of time in order to generate what I need.
I have not been able to connect the focus of my "spiritual" life into
my material world, until now. I just needed a vehicle to do it in, I never had
anything I could really feel and pour my momentum into. This vision that is
blossoming in front of me contains all the keys for making my material and spiritual
lives synonymous, so there is no difference and no difference in forms.
More soon, bedtime…
In Love,
Daniel
Mursshud,
I have to write all this out, I feel by writing it will help ground this information in my being. Rudi says that once the mind grasps (groks) something that means that the being has already digested it. If that's the case this was quite a meal.
Up until now I have had a problem fully understanding how to love a person from their perspective. Logically I could understand it, though I was having a hard time understanding how or what that really meant. When the heart reaches out to another person through love it is a response of being feeling being.
If the love is filtered through our perspective it does not fully touch the being of the other person. It is tainted by our self and it comes from our own perspective, of how we would want to be loved.
The only way to touch another being through love is through their perspective. I am just now understanding that loving another person from their perspective is often the only way another person will allow love to touch them and, essentially, the only way to love another person.
Also, the way to a person's heart is in how they love other people. When we love another person form our own perspective, is in reality a demonstration of how we want to be loved from our own perspective. We give love the only way we know how to receive it, until the heart understands.
That was the first piece. I know that this understanding connects with what I want to express next, and I am not clear as to how the pieces fit together. Another good reason to write and express. As consciousness grows in this life from birth to maturity, it is a process of building and creation. There is a manifest, separate Self at the end of the process.
From birth we develop our ego, the separation of identity into a vehicle of "I". As "I" begin to understand myself, "I" expand and open. This process of expanding and opening calls Spirit in. As Spirit is understood and accepted into our self of "I", surrender occurs. Surrender culminates in the dissolution if "I", as the material that "I" am dissolves into energy. This energy that is created is the essence of Spirit, it occurs in the death of "I". As "I" dissolves back into Spirit, and releases the compressed tensions that created "I".
Now, I (as in me, Daniel) understand how there can be a limited amount of this
energy. It is a fuel, of a sort, that creates the mechanism. Once the mechanism
is created the work can begin. This has been said before and it is obvious to
me now that I‚m writing it, though this is the first time I have understood
it. This process of creating the mechanism directly applies to my situation.
It is why I am here, this situation has given me the fuel to start my mechanism.
My feeling is that all the psychedelics that I did before we had met, dissolved
a lot of these tensions and wasted much of my fuel. That is why my being chose
this karma, it was the quickest way to accomplish this.
As Rudi says in Spiritual Cannibalism.
"As the ability to live in Time and Space grows, the amount of material
on the physical level has to increase enormously so that its matter is refined
on the spiritual vertical. This is the energy that is needed to sustain the
spiritual horizontal."
He is more efficient that I am, expressing what took me a page in a couple of
sentences. The important aspect is that I actually grok this concept, and subsequently
my situation and the necessity of it. I‚ve been struggling deeply with
trying to understand what the hell I‚m doing here, I feel I've found the
key. I can see a lot of lessons that I‚ve learned since I've been here.
Though none of them really felt like the "key". I can understand how
the timing of this event, at this point in my life creates the effect. Also
I can see no other way of doing it. Maybe that‚s just my limited sight,
though as you said if there was a quicker way, the Shakti would have picked
that. I feel you a lot more clearly as a result of all this. I have been wanting
to ask permission to add your phone #s to my list. I can feel to do that now,
and unless I hear otherwise from you, I am going to. I really want to talk to
you and connect.
I am hoping that Zia brought the paperwork for visiting me to the Retreat. If she hasn‚t I can mail it. Though, I want to say that even though I would love to see you it is completely ok if you don't come. I know how much traveling can be draining on you, not to mention coming to deal with this environment at the end of traveling. So, unless you really feel to you shouldn't come. Which is stating the obvious with you, I know you won‚t do anything out of obligations. I felt I needed to be clear about all that. I've come to the end of another letter.
In love,
Daniel
Hello all... I'm doing well, I have a little free time and I wanted to write. I've been trying to call Ahlea, though I don't think she answers her phone much. Anyway, excuse the handwriting, we did shoulders and chest (exercising) tonight. I can barely lift my arms over my head, feels very good though. My body really enjoys it and doing shoulders has been opening my neck area and getting at the scar tissue around my collarbone. I find myself processing a lot of energy from this area. (I broke my collarbone.)
I've been working with what we talked about on the phone (Mursshud). There seems to be a dichotomy inside me. One part of myself completely understands what you're saying and lives it. I would say that about 75% of the time I am glowing and in a space that I share with God, complete remembrance. There are times and days that I wake up and look around, the depression just hits and comes on. It's not really as bad as it was when I got here. Initially, it was almost unbearable. I had to stop whatever I was doing and sit down to pray and do Rudra, just to be functional.
Now I feel it and I can breathe and deepen with surrender, reconnect and allow the heaviness to flow through me. Though it is still there, coming up once in a while. Which is too often, it means I am not complete yet.
The feeling that comes up has to do with the experience of being in the Army, which is a really similar experience to this. I have been meditating on it, finding the common theme between all these experiences in my life that have triggered this. It is very elusive, I am still working to really nail it down.
Today when I was on the work bus, waiting...(we do a lot of that) I was praying and surrendering my mind to feel. Something got triggered, I looked out and up at the mountains. That heaviness hit, when I saw the freedom of nature that I'm not a part of. My mind asked, "What am I doing here?" My heart expanded the question to include my experience of being incarnate as well. I felt the question in my being.
All of a sudden I had this memory. It is really difficult to explain, it was more like a feeling of an experience. I could feel my original being/soul/whatever that is before you choose to incarnate. I had a distinct experience of being asked/ordered and understanding the necessity of coming here. When my being saw the necessity and accepted it, there was a really distinct sadness around being in a body again. It was very reminiscent of the heaviness I feel sometimes in this place.
Really though. I have no idea what it means or anything else. Though as I've been writing this letter and feeling all of it again, I see a lot more of the connection. Something has shifted I can feel more of my solar plexus and there is more of a comfort (if that's the right word).
So, I don't know...It's been my experience that sometimes things shift internally
and it takes a little bit for the rest of my being to reorganize before I really
start to see the new perspective. I think Rudi said it best in Spiritual Cannibalism
when he said that when something is understood in the mind that means the process
has been fully digested and integrated. My feeling is that this is one of those
processes.
2/5/2003
Writing that little bit about my experience really opened some doors for me.
That feeling of heaviness has been overwhelming, no matter how much Rudra I
do. It seems to be endless. I feel as if I have been opening and moving some
of it though.
I just keep deepening when I feel it and breathe, feel Allah. It feels as if this feeling is sourced very deep in my being. Mentally, emotionally and physically this place is no problem. There are many ways that it is an opportunity and almost a blessing.
Yet, in the midst of that understanding, thus inexplicable heaviness surfaces and consumes me. I still question the memory I explained earlier. The whole idea that my being was not overjoyed at being incarnate is almost inconceivable to me. I mean, my whole concept and idea of being before incarnation is is that every soul is just waiting to get a body. Although, I admit that concept is based on my human experience. In some naive way I believe that all beings that are discarnate are in complete joy and at-one-ment with God.
So far my experience of exploring this feeling has been unusual. It has a lot of depth to it. I don't have the words to explain it really. There is a deep resonance to it. It's not just one emotional feeling, it's a myriad of feelings. That's why I keep calling it a heaviness, it's barely a depression that I feel.
Whatever it is, I am processing it. I pray to see it completely and understand it. Steadily it has been moving. Tonight I processed a lot, doing Rudra from dinner until court. I feel almost exhausted, my heart is tired. The heaviness is not gone yet it is controllable, I am not overwhelmed by it. I am holdnig my connection to God and staying aware of this heaviness. Which allows me to explore it a bit more.
Right now it's my only focus...I hope I get it this month, too. I see the obstacle and it's just a matter of going through it...
2003.02.10
I got washed for my birthday. Apparently a "washing" is a ritual initiation here in the Barrio (Mexican Ghetto). Basically, a washing consists of eating dinner and then at some unannounced moment the washing occurs. Which is being chased by everyone around you and at every conceivable opportunity being hit by a 5-gallon bucket of ice water. This lasted for about an hour and a half, at which point most of my clothes were thoroughly soaked and the emergency plumber had been paged to our house. It was interesting to say the least.
Anyway, I feel I've made some breakthroughs here in this process. I've been
able to get to a place of clarity with everything. I still have this really
deep feeling that comes up. Though I feel it has been cleaned or purged, it
is not some inexplicable heaviness that drowns me. Now it surfaces when I pray,
it becomes a yearning in my heart to see and know God. It's so strong it brings
tears to my eyes, just writing about it right now even.
As I said in one of my earlier letters about praying for that constant awareness
of the pain of being separated from God, well, my prayer was answered. I've
been learning to surrender to this feeling. It opens so deeply as soon as I
begin to pray. It is just as overwhelming as the heaviness I was experiencing
before, although now it deepens my experience of God.
I have a hard time putting these experiences and feelings into words and even harder time writing them. I guess the best way to describe this feeling is that it is similar to a song. It's a feeling that triggers the majority of the emotions we are capable of at once. Surrendering into it, is having the prayer answered and the Beloved drawing nearer. Which intensifies the feeling. It's almost constant through the day, a constant reminder to stop and love God, and be loved.
That's about as close to an explanation as I'll be able to manage, for now...
I'm going to mail this out now, and probably start my next letter. I miss you
all very much and I can't wait to get back there. Thank you for all your support
and more importantly your love, it means a lot to me...
In love,
Daniel
Good Evening… I have some space tonight and I wanted to write for a little
bit. It was either writing you or my father. My father and I are discussing
his anger issues currently.
That was a little heavier than I wanted to deal with right now.
I have a radio Walkman which is what I use to block out my surroundings sometimes. We only get a couple of radio stations in and the 2 I end up listening to are a predominantly Jazz stations and a christian rock station. I find this particularly funny and I really enjoy listening to the Christian station. The feeling or “vibe” of the music is what I enjoy. A lot of the times I have to block out what they are saying, and listen to that other feeling in the music.
Although, today I turned it on and they said something very profound. I am continually
hearing profound universal truths being spouted from this station. It occurred
to me that Jesus really was an advanced being to be able to lay down the foundation
of those teachings, that have survived 2000 years of corruption and revision.
Through all of that the seed of truth is still being communicated and, for the
most part, it is effective. Effective in the sense it affects people and causes
change , to some degree, for the
better.
Any ways, that's just what I’ve noticed… I feel as if I have gotten
to the root of my karma. It all blossomed in front of me in a realization. I’ve
had this tangible energy on the left side of my body for a really long time.
I’ve been carrying this density for almost as long as I can remember. It’s
been manifesting in different ways, for instance, when I
was young I broke my left arm. Once, during a mushroom faze, I started processing
this energy ad it opened up. All this dark, dense stuff came out and the tooth
on my left side broke, left me with a hole there. Which later turned into a
root canal. When I broke my collar bone, it was my left one. So, you get the
idea. Oh, and my favorite one, when Steven F. started working with us in Chicago,
I told him about this energy and tooth. He could feel it, so he basically tried
to “eat” some of it.
Although, the same tooth of his also broke a couple of days later. Well, you get the idea here. Since that mushroom experience the size and density of the energy has been lessening. In my meditations lately I have become really aware of what is left. It always seemed positioned outside of my body, by my left temple about 3 or 4 inches away.
I was processing energy and moving to surrender. This energy began to tense up a bit, and as I continued to deeper I realized how we create our Saturn return. Saturn return initiates a process which culminates in manifesting our essential karma. I continued feeling this, and the underlying position of my soul. Which has had a little difficulty in surrendering to what God puts before me.
Well, to make a long story short. The energy moved from outside my body to my neck area. For the past 3 days I have not been able to move my neck more than 20%of normal. My whole left side of my neck is a huge knot, it feels almost as if I have a pinched nerve. Which I would think it was that except that it occurred directly after my rudra.
Also, there was an interesting experience that occurred as this energy moved back into my body. There was a “structure” that was left near my head. As I focused on feeling it, it began to twist and rotate. I had a distinct feeling of a presence, similar to the being I discovered on mushrooms. (that’s a whole story if you want to hear it.) So, I could feel these beings and it felt as if they removed this structure. I had the distinct feeling it was put there and limited my expansion in some way. I really don’t have the words to explain a lot of this. Which isn’t unusual. I also barely believe any of it, I mean its kind of a stretch for the mind. Then again that’s a good reason to surrender the mind. I guess I’m just not really used to having “experiences” like these. Ive never had any “mystical”, miraculous, spiritual experiences before. Except for a couple on mushrooms.
I’ve never really looked for them either. I never really saw experiences as a benchmark of progress or anything. More than anything, probably closer to a distraction than anything else.
Nevertheless, that was my experience and since then I’ve been moving this density in my neck. Though I have noticed that my meditations go much deeper and my circulation is a lot more effective. I noticed that I can “eat” my environment much easier without having to retreat to Rudra or solitude. So, maybe there is some basis to my experience.
2003.02.25
Hello again… Rudi, Miles & Mursshud. I’m just going to start writing
to all three of you because I know one or the other is reading this any ways…
So, the neck is much better took about three days to get back to 80%, I still
have a small tiny kink.
I traded books with my Ba Gua friend, he’s reading Rudi and had some Sathya Sai Baba books. I’ve never explored Sai Baba before. I have to say the writing style seems to trigger me, I think the author was a devout Christian who replaced Christ with Sai Baba so there seems to be a little tinge of fanaticism there. Other that that, I was very amazed to be able to connect so clearly with his presence. Spiritual cannibalism completely rearranged my perceptions of dealing with “teachers” or better put . The Spirit of Guidance. It dawned on me that I could be nourished from he spiritual force that comes from the Guru. As I realized that and surrendered, I was able to feel all the teachers I have been exposed to. Something about opening to the presence I felt through a Sathya Sai Baba book helped me to open to all the teachers and beings that have always been present. That feeling has been incorporated into my practice now, an I’m sitting and surrendering, I open and felly my circulation with the Spirit of Guidance.
I have to explain, a certain aspect of this circulation that I have been working with. I feel all these beings separately at first, Mursshud (you), Sai Baba, Rudi, Sidi (Shaykh Muhammad), nityananda, and Shaykh Hassan. There seems to be distinct “flavors” that each of these streams brings through. Although, as I surrender it becomes very clear to me that all these flowsare coming from the same place and as I deepen my surrender they all go to the same place. On one level I percieve them as different, and there is a definite distinct quality that makes each unique. The only way I can explain what I experience when I surrender is to say that, that spiritual force emanates from the same place and continues to the same place. What I feel happening in my heart during this experience is my being is moved to release the concept of Allah. When I discovered “Allah” it was an amazing experience. Until then I was working with the “Universe”, not God exactly, the idea was “everything is God and God is Love”. A rue universal truth, however an extremely impersonal one. Allah became something personal, that I could have a relationship with. So, all of the sudden I could say Allah and dhiker, My heart would open and I could experience a personal relationship with God.
The more I surrender to this flow I realize the concept of Allah creates a subtle separation. I am able to use a “God” that is outside of me to place certain amounts of responsibility onto, and blame for what occurs “to me”. This flow is opening a palce in me that understands the illusion in this. Parts of my being are triggered by the reality behind this illusion. I understand this flow is not coming from these separate beings, it is not different according to each teacher. It is, and is already present. Intuitively, my heart understands this and it’s that subtle understanding that triggers me. To be honest, it not only triggers me, it scares the hell out of me. It truly is the Fear of God that I feel in those moments. I never understood the fear of God before, God is Love, how can you fear God. Well, let me attempt an explanation. It’s like waking up one day and having, Jesus or Muhammad sitting on your bed. He looks an you and says “Hey, ya know… I don’t want to be a prophet today. Why don’t you be a prophet instead, just for today.” Feel that situation for a second all the responsibility of carrying that presence and awareness. The awareness of the Mission that the Dharma expects of you now.
Somehow, I don’t get the feeling that Mursshud wll completely get what I’m saying. I’m sure there is some perspective on this I’m missing. Although I am completely aware that the part of me that is scared is my little mind. I know this realization and responsibility wouldn’t be around the corner if it was not time for it. I know the Fear of God is what keeps you walking straight. It’s that fear of walking on eggshells that maintains the awareness and consciousness unnecessary to carry that responsibility. So from that perspective I hope it never goes away.
That’s it for tonight… I’ll write more soon. Love you all.
Daniel
Mursshud-Company…
I got Sati's letter, books and the donations from the community. All of that really means a lot for me, so thank you and everyone that contributed. I suppose that it could be considered a donation towards my spiritual growth. J I tried calling you tonight, the line for the phones has been really long and when I had an opportunity your phone was busy. I'll try again tomorrow, though….
I really just wanted to communicate my station or my state, though writing will probably be more helpful. There is still much I need to understand.. So where to begin…
Today, and for the past few days, I have had a moment of clarity. I became aware of my previous incarnations, nothing specific like names or memories, it was an awareness of my soul's purpose and journey through each lifetime. Certain karmic patterns that were recurring became obvious, and I can see the patterns being played out in this life as well. I became aware of my soul's feeling towards God and the proximity towards that purpose.
In any circumstances I shun the thought or conversation towards "past lives." I feel as if it is a colossal waste of time and a complete escape from accepting responsibility NOW. However, the way all this information was revealed to me as if I was being lead towards a goal.
As the feelings of these past incarnations came into view, and the soul's pattern was revealed, it became very clear the direction I was heading in. The next step or the purpose, my soul's purpose in this life. In "Journey to the Lord of Power" Arabi says "Do not retreat unless you know your present and past station, and therefore, know the next station." Otherwise, Arabi advises having a Shaykh during retreat so one does not get lost in confusion. This revealing I had showed my past stations, where I am and the next station to focus on.
As if that wasn't enough, as I digested this experience and brought all these
karmic patterns into awareness, I realized very deeply, that nothing matters.
I looked around and realized there is nothing that matters to me anymore, everything
seemed to lose it's importance. I noticed, for instance, that I was in prison.
(I just realized I wrote that in past tense, interesting) Anyways, it
no longer mattered whether I was in prison or sitting with you at the Land.
If I'm not free - my surroundings don't' matter, only freedom in God.
2003.03.10
Upon having a couple of days to digest all this. I have come to understand that realizing I want freedom, is a huge step towards freedom. That realization alone allowed me to disconnect from everything external and focus all that on freedom.
There is a part of me realizing that I am free, although that seems to be part of the human paradox - I'm God but I'm also not God. However you want to look at it. I guess the real understanding here is that a lot of what I have identified with, that has kept me imprisoned, is not really who I am. I just had this understanding of who I am and realized that I need to be that, period. I looked at all the patterns in my life from that perspective and realized that I wouldn't recreate any of this, or choose to create it, if I understood this simple truth of my nature.
In reality, all humans could understand this. If anyone, in the community for instance, were suddenly blessed with the strength, wisdom, and grace to break out of all their limiting patterns and had the choice to express themselves in freedom or recreate their patterns - I can't feel anyone recreating their patterns. They would all continuously choose freedom. I guess this could be called the "enabling factor."
My understanding of this in terms of my own reality centers around identification. It has been my own identification of a limited self-concept that has perpetuated limiting patterns.
There's really not much to say, freedom in God, Liberation, enlightenment - whatever it's called in whatever language describes it best - that's my only prayer, purpose and intention. I feel my heart and awareness is focused around this purpose. The only question I have left is, "How will I know when I am free?" I know when I'm not free ad my heart tells me that I'll know when it is complete, and there is a small voice that says I am free. I have this concept of what that freedom looks like, I guess I'm missing the experience of it or I had the experience and didn't realize it. I guess I have to meditate on this more until it is revealed, and listen to my heart. This is not an experience my mind will understand and that seems to be a lot of what my work has been.
I've really been working with my mental layer lately. Learning to sit is stillness and it's reactions to situations, it's like a 2 year old child that has had way to much sugar. So, my meditations continue to increase awareness around my mental state.
This process and realization has been continuing for the past few days. There seems to be almost a literal war inside me. I'm struggling with my mind to control and focus it. While at the same time struggling to maintain an awareness of this subtle aspect in my nature and be aware of when I move into identification patterns. I seem to be on a constant rollercoaster. I can meditate and get myself into such a state that it almost feels as if I was on mushrooms again. Then the next time I engage in conversation, I find myself losing my state. I can see why it occurs and I have been struggling with maintaining.
I keep looking for some "breaking point," where all the patterns
and limiting concepts are just burnt away. Though, I guess this occurs in steps
and degrees. I guess I'm just a fast -- food American at heart, isn't there
a pill I can take? Take two of these and you'll be a liberated enlightened Avatar
in the morning, there called Sai Babaplex.
Well, anyways, I am going to wrap this up and mail it out. I've gotta do the
only thing I can, which is walk deeper. I know for sure I've passed the point
of no return. If prison can't stop me from growing nothing else will…
- In Love
Daniel