Absolut's Letters to Mursshud
I find that writing is a beautiful way to communicate that I don't often do.
I want to start out by expressing my deepest gratitude to you, and that I love you dearly. It is such a honor to have met you and be in this lifetime together. I want to express everything that I am grateful for. Beginning with the day I met you. I'm grateful for the Loft project that had the magnetic force to attract me there. I thank you for Ahlea and my expreience of living with her in Long Beach. I thank you for putting up with my relationship with Edgar. I thank you for your patience, compassion and strength. I thank you for your deep blue eyes that penetrate my soul so deeply. I thank you for your laugh and great sense of humour. I thank you for your vibrancy and energy that changes a cloudy day.
I'm grateful for the depth of your soul and the magnitude of your love. I didn't know that I have fully seen your capacity of love. Yet I know it is tremendous. I'm grateful for your beautiful relationship with Miles and Rudi. Their devotion and obedience is inspiring to myself and others. Thank you for your hard work and focus that you have put into your State, the Mastery of your Self, and your vision for World Evolution. Thank you for your shining example of truth, beauty, love and consciousness. Thank you for quenching my soul of its thirst for the TRUTH. Thank you for growing me into my true being, Absolut Beauty! Thank you for giving me the name Absolut Beauty. Thank you for loving me, when my heart is not open. Thank you for being Everything that you are ....
Thank you for allowing me to love you with my lips, body and eyes. Thank you for our time together in Long Beach where we deepened our connection. Thank you for being gorgeous and sexy! It is all these things and more that I have the deepest gratitude for you. It's the greatest joy to know you.
There's a real sweetness in your being that is so tender and gentle. There's a beauty beaming in your eyes from the knowingness of your soul and your connection to the Source. My heart pumps with the juice of your love and the deep gratitude I hold inside.
It is your love that I deeply appreciate. Bismillah er Rahman er Rahim!
I had the feeling to write you again. It was a good feeling this must be a result of my merging that occured with Mama at the retreat a couple of weeks ago. Being with the Mamma was truly healing to my heart. We swam, we talked and shared a lot of laughs.
I'm not sure where to start, there is so much I want to share with you. It's been an amazing journey and growth period for me. Growing isn't new, it's the fufillment I get out of growing that's incredible. These past few weeks with the changes in the community have especially affected me, and awakened me to new parts of myself and others. In particular I am, I was, quite shocked by Ahlea's departure. It startled me that someone who was so convicted in her truth and convinced me of the Dharma has decided to walk away.
I don't quite understand it, and at the same time I do. Its also been a huge blessing for me as well. I have the feeling of something being lifted from me since she's been gone. Where now I feel like my wings can spread out a little more. Its really amazing. This being a first time for me in a community and observing the purification has been an eye opener with my relationship w/ you, the relationships that you had with everyone individually, and the relationships we have with one another. We are definitely in a school where each individual is on their own unique path, not one person with the same sadhana. Its all so unique of a glue for us all. Each of us all have unique relationships with you. This is the part that is mind blowing, because it shows me more of who you are as a chameleon, and your ability to serve us all from our own unique make-ups. It reminds me of being in high school. Where I never felt I could relate to one particular group of people, so I related w/ them all! On an individual level I feel my path here w/ the school clear. I trust that I am in the right place, my heart brought me here. As well as lots of praying. This leads me to another experience I'm having with memories of my life. I've been clearly going through all the times in my life that I experienced the shakti running through me, even before I came here and all the times I made choices to "follow my heart/intuition" before I even knew what it was. It was always in the name of realizing and seeking what I really am. As I go through those experiences, I'm lead to where I am now in a very clear way. The directions and arrows lead to me being exactly where I am. And the experience of seeing my life in perspective is like viewing someone else's life, that I don't feel connected to anymore, yett there was always this thread inside of me taking me towards the unknown. The unknown which is now known. This has also shown me how we really are alone in our path. Alone in a good way. I've recognized that since Ahlea has been drifting, I think some part of me (I'm sure it was her food she fed to me) that made one think we'd be together (physically) for as long as we live. I feel like we had similar paths, now its unknown. I'm okay with this.
I've also been learning to keep my heart open to these people leaving even though on the physical its not pretty. This is something that Mama really helped me to Heal. The Pain of Separation when that person isn't with us physically. For whatever reason I wasn't able/didn't process this piece with Daniel quick enough. Although there was much more I was processing along with it. Since the retreat, I have no longer felt him separate. He's now inside my heart, walking next to me. He is no longer in front of our relationship or my relationship with God. Its a both/and feeling. And its quite amazing & refreshing.
Mursshud, these are my thoughts for now. I care for you and love you.